Thursday, May 10, 2007


Have you ever attempted to write something that has no meaning to you? It's horrendous. Have you ever attempted to write something that has no meaning to you when your head is filled with things that tear your heart out? It's nigh impossible. I have spent today attempting to give my thoughts a path to drive down, and they decided to go four by fouring.

Not the Cherokee, this is sort of a gravel road kind of offroading either. We're talking through fields that are layered in feet of mud, rocks nearly as big as the car, and tree trunks that have never seen man before. They wander free over the landscape that is my life, and dare me to tame them.

Lack of work, lack of direction, lack of security, indecision, uncertainty, and doubts fill my mind. They tear at me, begging me to lay down. They laugh as they push me round, biting and scraping at me until I fall. But I cannot, I will not give them my will. Remember, we were all bought at a price.

One moment, it seems like I have everything sorted out, and five minutes later the framework has crumbled before me. I'm left back where I started, attempting to piece things together. But it is amazing how a simple conversation can help you sort things through. Amazingly, verbalizing your discombobulation snaps it into order. The reality is that this life is not my own.

So I broke up with Jordan. Someone who I loved, and continue to love right now. That is, by far, the hardest decision I have had to make yet in my young life. Did I have good reasons? I sure hope so. Do they feel like they are enough? Never. But as I talked with someone this evening, the reason why became bright and clear once more, we're at different places in life.

Have you ever tried to drive a standard that's clutch is going? Either you engage the clutch, give it some gas, and it slips out of gear, or you go to put it into gear, and the gears clash, grind and make everyone in the car wince. There is no proper way to drive a car like that, you have to take it into the mechanics to get it fixed, and quickly. If the clutch and the gears aren't in sync, then you go nowhere.

So I don't have a job, and there are no real tantalizing prospects. I don't have an infinite source of funds, and I am looking to God to provide me with passion. And so far, I've drawn blanks. Sure, there are some ok jobs that may come through, but somehow, I just don't find myself energized, I find myself stressed out. So we go back to the topic of peace. Peace is knowing that when everything is falling apart around you, God is in control. And He reminds me of that daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute.

Who needs money anyways?

Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord have Your way in me

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