Sunday, January 13, 2008

At The Centre of it All

The interesting thing I've always found about human beings is our ability to so aptly lie to ourselves and others around us. We lie about how wealthy we are, about our relationships, about how we're feeling, about whether we like something or not, we lie about who we are. Let's get right down to the nitty gritty... we hate to face who we really are.

I've spent my fair share of time living with other young men in the past few years. Even some older men, and if there is one thing I've learned about men, it's that they love to ignore the messes that they live in. As long as it is not directly effecting them in some detrimental way, then it is not affecting them at all. It mine as well not exist to them. It's functional.

And from my conversations and the observations I've made about the majority of women it is this, that as long as everything is neat, tidy and appears clean, then they are also happy. Their house can be a wreck five minutes before guests walk through the door, but as long as everything is neat and tidy when the doorbell rings they are happy. It's all about appearances, and everything has it's place.

If there is one thing that I have a hard time accepting about my faith it's this: grace. There is nothing I can do (or not do) to earn grace. It is offered freely to me, without conditions or standards. I did not pass a grade so I could be accepted into grace. Rather, it is because of my inadequacies that I am in need of grace. By very nature, I want to earn something, I want to be proud of my accomplishment when it is given to me. Grace, on the other hand is a badge of unaccomplishment. I accept it simply because it is offered to me, and I need it fully.

There is something humbling about that realization. Where I have to stop and ponder, in the midst of a busy world the implications of something offered freely. We work for everything that we earn. But this is not something I worked for, or that I earned. Yet it is more important than any of those carnal things. Where they will fade away to dust, this gift is eternal. And all I have to do is accept it.

To be honest, I'm dumbfounded. I'm confused, disillusioned, frustrated and dazed. I want to do SOMETHING, say SOMETHING that would give me credit for such an awesome gift, but I am left short of the mark. In it's very nature, I am inadequate. And in that moment of disillusionment, I get a glimpse of God. I am not focusing on myself, but on Him. And in that moment, He smiles at me, and simply says, "I know."

No lies. No facade. Just truth.

At the centre of it all, I'm not good enough, and that doesn't mean a thing.

1 comment:

Felicia said...

everybody lies.
sound familiar?

as per grace, the fact that we can't earn it is humbling and the fact that we are given it means that we are loved. that puts me beyond semantics and abstraction.