Uncertain

Hebrews 6:13-15

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was
no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself,
saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many
descendants." And so after waiting patiently, Abraham
received what was promised.

It's a sure thing. There's not a doubt in your mind. You've thought out every possible angle, and then... it slips through. Like dry sand through your fingers, it sifts through and you're left with nothing but a dry residue to remind you anything ever happened. It's frustrating, infuriating.

I feel I've spent the past 2 years of my life in a constant state of flux. The undulating rhythm of my life pushing me up, dragging me down. Sprawling vista's; deep chasms. The sun beaming down on my face, warming my cold skin; the damp walls leeching every warmth from my heart. Frustrating.

Perhaps you've felt like this? Each step a labour. Every breath a chore. But you keep moving forward, each day.

With my hope faltering, and my outlook becoming ever shallow, I realize that it's moments like these that test one's resolve. A hurricane is not weathered when you're boarding the place up. Each board placed makes a difference, each sandbag laid prepares for the ensuing floods. But regardless of the preparations you makes, it's when the winds test your work. When the water seeps through, and trees are uprooted that you find what lays deep in your heart. Some cower, some freeze in fear, or form an icy resolve, and others rise to the challenge, digging into energy deep within them to press through the worst of the storm and pick up the pieces.

I've had a bit of all of them inside of me. I've cowered, frozen, fallen within myself, and I hope that I can yet rise to this challenge. But like any other moment, I'm not enough. I'm always back to square one, my energy spent, my heart broken, and my vision dulled. I'm so short sighted. I long to be home, to be away from these struggles, this constant warfare that I am so terrible at. I want to be free, free to fly, free to discover what it means to live this life.

Weight... dragging me down. Threatening to pull me under. And with every passing day I am drawn to my own iniquities. My own failings. No matter how 'good' I may be, I'll never be good enough.

I'll never be good enough.

There's a lesson I need to learn. It's not about me. It was never about me. But I long so much for it to be about me. Each day, attempting to pull my skin off like Eustace. Tearing at my scales, longing for the boy I used to be. But it's not I that should pull those scales off. I need God. I need those promises, those moments when He rips me deeper than I ever thought possible, when my heart, mind and body cry out for relief. I hate even saying it, but I need it. Make me bleed, take my life, as long as I can be free. Whatever the cost, wherever the journey, I want to be free.

But I'm so ... uncertain.