Saturday, November 26, 2005

Six Years, and Many More Lessons

Today has been six years since my mom passed away. I never quite know how I feel on a day like this, I just sort of have to take it as it comes. Perhaps it should be a bigger deal than it is, perhaps it should be less. It's not something I can ever really know.
I've learned so much in the past six years, and I often wish that I could just talk with my mom about what is going on in my life. Get her opinion on things that are in my head, as I prepare for ministry, who I am... all of those things. What is it that she would say as I'm not on my internship? What would be the most important part of what I am doing? Would she be happy with who I am? Inadequacies and all.
It's not often that a decision comes up where I don't wonder what my mom would say, what kind of advice she would give. A sort of check and balance of sorts, but one that I can't say I'm terribly informed on. It's funny to think how young I was when she passed away, only 15 years old. Yet that single event forced me to have to grow up so quickly. Suddenly I needed to make a lot of my own choices, ask for money when I needed to go get clothes, and consider who my friends really were. Dad was there to watch over me, but in a lot of ways, that's how my mom was involved in my life. Dad took (and takes!) care of my physical needs, but mom was the one who really watched over my emotional ones.
Because of that, perhaps I'm grown up more in some ways than I should be. But perhaps it's nothing more than calusses that have formed, covering up the immaturity that is underneath. God has slowly been peeling them off, sometimes one at a time, sometimes a few at a time, and showing me what's underneath. Holds me when I can't do it myself, and applauds me while he watches me get up and run. He picks me up and comforts me when I fall, and pushes me forward to keep me going.
Perhaps because of all of this, adulthood is not really adulthood, it's merely a different stage of childhood, where you realize that while you now make all of your own choices, and can express things in much bigger words, your still just as dependant on your Father as you were to begin with. Faith like a child. Puts a different perspective on it for me.


Lorelei said...

Good post Stephen. Well put!! Maybe because I was older when Mom passed away, maybe because I was a daughter and not a son but I can tell you with definite absolute certainty that she would have been so incredibly proud of you she would have been bursting at the seams!!!! Mom would have been bragging to everyone about you and looking forward to seeing who you are becoming. Just like I am. It's great to hear you express your feelings about becoming an adult and about how it feels to have those layers peeled back. Painful, YES! Sickening sometimes, DEFINITELY! Exciting because you're worth it, ABSOLUTELY! You're well loved!

Dad said...

who would ever have guessed Tig that we have all survived the past six years[ or seven, if we count Mom's sickness]. All of our lives definitely were deelpy affected that day. You were definitely young and walked so closely with your dear Mom. You were her youngest and the two of you were bound together with special bonds of love. Who can ever know the depth of the loss you felt that day and continue to feel over 2,000 day later.

Your Mom was always very proud of you as she reflected on her shy little man who developed into a confident actor in front of hundreds of people. She deeply loved you and desired only the very best for you in every facet of life.

Obviously you miss her--her love, her concern, her involvement in your life. Nothing and no one will ever be able to fill that void in your life. Be assured that she would be very proud of you and extremely interested in all the details of her young man as he enters the big and challenging world of manhood. Someday you will be able to sit and chat with her again!

You and I were forced in our grief and adjustment to get acquainted in a hurry on a different and deeper level. Thank you for being such a brave son amid the most devastating circumstances! Thank you for letting me into your world when a lot of things made no sense.

Believe me, I am extremely proud to call you my son. You have a heart for God and a desire to make a maximum impact among your generation. I love you lots and pray that God will bless, guide, teach and enrich you each and every day. A grand reunion awaits you in heaven with your Mom and, while we wait for that to become a reality, I know that you will live to make her proud!