Friday, March 09, 2007

The End of my Rope

The last few days have been extremely wearing on me. Emotionally. Spiritually. I’m done. I’m at the end of my rope. I’ve tried every avenue, and they have all come up short. I can’t do it any longer. I’m no longer sufficient.

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So i have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
Know there's nothing that i can't abide

When Nothing Satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your Light Lord,
and send forth Your Truth
Let them guide me to Your Holy Place
Then will i go to the Altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

When Nothing Satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Why are you so downcast o my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God
My Savior, my King
My Savior, my King

When Nothing Satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Or maybe… it’s like this.

I've exhausted every possible solution,
I've tried every last game there is to play.
In this search for the Christ like perfection
I'm convinced I've only left my God ashamed.
I cry I wonder can he hear my despair.
Afraid to lift my hands afraid he doesn't care.

And if he answers and I fall again
can I still be his daughter can I still depend on him.
When I'm down search every mistake, looking for new regrets.
sometimes I forget, I forget that his grace is sufficient for me.
that it's deeper and wider than I can conceive.

His Grace is sufficient for me.
My convictions seem to fade with desperation,
my hope declines with each and every tear.
My sin an anchor and this grace just an illusion.

The gavels heavy and justice is near.
Up comes the light and finds the stains on my hands.
Up comes my pride, I hide, I know he won't understand.
Cause it's deeper than deep and it's wider then wide.
why did I ever doubt now I'm dying inside.

However you relate to the situation that I’m in... I’m truly feeling done. I no longer want to carry on. I want to retreat, I want a rest. I can’t hold my hands up any longer; the load is too heavy for me. I want to go home, to stop fighting for respect, to stop fighting people that should have known better long ago. People who DO know better than their actions show.

I miss the times when I was given the luxury of respect from those around me. When my opinion was taken as an opinion, not as my age. When the words that God spoke through me were not filtered or taken at less of an importance level because I am not 40 with a family. I want a fighting chance to prove that I am worth something. I want to be valued. I want to feel like I COULD be useful.

Jesus was 30 when he started his ministry. He was 12 when he taught in the temple courts. I’m not Jesus. But I wish I had his sense of direction.

And so I pray. Pray that God would guide my steps and those I’ve asked for advice. Do I stay the course or do we fan the sails and head for home? God, give me wisdom.


Lorelei said...

We are praying for you Stephen. You are constantly in our thoughts. Sounds like you might be "Timothy" in Fiji!!! Don't let them look down on you because you are young. The people who know you and love you the most don'!!

Carys the wonder niece said...

hdwegeccc i luv you uncle stephen :)_ cccccccccccgvry vgffffffffffffffff v


We are praying for you, Stephen. Don't "let" them look down on you because of your youth. That word "let" gives you some control over it. Don't even let your thoughts and feelings go there. Don't allow them to look down on you.


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate.
And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”

“Wait? You want me to wait?!” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and yet YOU tell me to WAIT?!
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need to but ask and we shall receive.
And Lord, I’ve been asking and this is my cry:
‘I’m weary of asking! I NEED a reply’.”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once, again, “You must wait.”
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, “OK so, I’m waiting . . . but for WHAT??!!”

He seemed then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign,
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want. . . But, you wouldn’t know Me.

You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair.
You’d not learn to trust just my knowing I’m there.

You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You’d never experience the fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You’d know that I give and I save . . . (for a start),
But you’d not know the depth of the best of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for Thee.’
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, ‘WAIT’ “

Anonymous said...

Hey Tig, Many are praying! Digest the sentiment of the poem that hasbeen sent to you. This is a teaching moment--although you would prefer it wasn't, I'm sure. God is with you to teach you. Don't miss the opportunity. He loves you and will see you through. Your times ARE in His hand. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Hang in there. I believe there is something good about ready to happen!